Pain
by kaylinxoxkisses
Summary: When Edward leaves, Bella's devastated. She doesn't know how to take the pain away. When Alice sees her unconscious in an alley, she & Edward race off to save her. But what happened? What will her journal reveal? Bella's changed a lot since Edward left.
1. Anger

**bolded words are thoughts. **_**italics are journal entries.**_** enjoy!!**

Chapter 1 Anger

My phone buzzed in my front pocket. I pulled it out, immediately knowing it was my sister.

"Alice, tell me exactly how many times I've - "

"You've told me, 'don't pry into Bella's life'. I know. But this is an emergency, Edward. This could be life or death."

"Life or death? Alice, I think you're being a bit meledramatic."

"Edward, when are you going to shut up and listen to me? The is important!. I saw Bella unconcious in an alley somewhere in La Push. It was really blurry but it was her Edward. I just know it!"

"Why would she be in an alley?" I asked my Alice. Or in La Push for that matter? I wondered silently.

"I don't know but you need to get your butt out of Alaska and to Forks. Now, Edward. This happens tommorrow. I'm on my way there now."

I hung up the phone and immediately ran out to my car. I didn't bother saying goodbye to Tanya and the rest of the clan. I then began the torturously long drive to Forks, all the while hoping that Alice was wrong. That Bella was safe. But deep down I had the feeling that Alice wasn't wrong and I couldn't shake it off. I then began hoping the I wasn't too late.

Alice called me when I entered the outskirts of Forks, informing me that I only had ten minutes until I fould find Bella. I stepped down harder on the gas and sped off toward La Push.

I invaded the minds of everyone I saw. One young girl had seen Bella driving her truck. She looked upset with her jaw set and brow furrowed. I couldn't place it but she had seemed different.

Where was my Bella going and what had upset her? I had no idea but I knew I only had four minutes before I would find her. I decided to roll down my window and try to catch her scent. I remembered following her like this what seemed like long ago.

It felt like ages, but I finally picked up the flowery fragrance that was undeniably Bella. I parked my car, thinking it would be better to follow the smell on foot and took off down a street lined with small houses.

I made a left down a narrow alley way. There were two dumpsters lined up against the brick walls of buildings and there were shards of glass everywhere.

That was when I saw her. Bella was lying on the ground, half on her back, halfway on her side. Her knees were bent and her legs were out at a crazy angel. One arm was draped over her stomach and the other lay limply beside her. It seemed that she had fallen or collapsed. She had never looked more breakable.

I picked her up in my arms and carried her off to my car. I decided to take her home and make sure she was safe.

When I finally reached her house, it was empty. Charlie's cruiser was gone.

I went into Bella's room using her window like I had countless times in the past. I wasn't alone; Alice was sitting on the bed flipping through a small book.

**Edward you have to read this. **She looked up at me for a moment, but then continued reading.

"I can see it is quite a page turner, but how is something off the New York Times' Best Seller List going to help us?" Alice shot me a dirty look.

"I've seen Bella write in this every night."

"Alice," I growled at her.

"I know, I know. I'm breaking the rules. But this is her journal. Maybe it can help us find out what's happened to her."

I looked down at Bella in my arms. I walked over to her bed and layed her down beside Alice who helped me pull off her shoes.

**She seems so different.**

I sighed. "I know."

"No, Edward." **Look at her.** Alice looked so sad as she thought this. I scanned her face. She looked so tired. Her skin was sallower than I had ever seen it and she had dark circles under her eyes. She looked like . . . me.

Her hair wasn't the same either. It was darker, black almost, and it had streaks of red all throughout it. Why had Bella dyed her beautiful hair?

"What is she wearing?!" Alice nearly shreiked. "Although I have to say, it is an improvement." **Somewhat.**

Bella wore a black tank top with a skin tight, grey hoodie that zipped up the front and dark blue skinny jeans. I wondered how Charlie had reacted to this.

I sat down next to Bella and stroked her arm. Alice placed her open journal in my lap. "Read it," She said. I sighed and flipped it over.

_Dear Journal, _

_Wow that sounds really dumb._

_Anyway, Charlie threatened to take me to see a theripist, so now I'm writing in this. I threw a tantrum and I felt like an absolute three-year-old but I don't care. There was no way I was going to see some absolute stranger and talk about my feelings on one of those dumb couches. I already know how I feel and why I feel this way. I don't need someone else prying into my life and telling me my feelings._

Where had all this anger come from? Bella had a temper but I had never known her to be an angry person.

_I've never done this before, so I guess I'll just write about what I did today._

_I went down to La Push to go see Jacob. It was the first time I had seen him since prom . . . Anyway, he seemed really happy to see me. I'll admit, I was happy to see him too. I brought him the bikes I got, thinking maybe he could fix them up and maybe even teach me how to ride. We sat in his little garage all day and we talked while I watched him work on his car (he needs parts for the bikes) but it was nice. It was the first time I felt normal and human in a long time. Jake makes me happy, maybe as happy as I was before . . . But I can't think about that, about him. He left me and he was never coming back. Ever. And neither were the rest of his family. I think about them a lot. Of what used to be, of what could have been. But I need to stop. _

Now I knew that I was the reason for all the anger. But I never intended to hurt her. I wanted her to live her life to the fullest amd the only way she could do that was without me.

It hurt a little to know that she was spending her time with another boy, especially Jacob Black. To know that he made her happy. But isn't that what I wanted? For her to move on, and be safe, and happy, and alive? So what if I was just a memory? So what if I was just _him_?

**well, that's chapter one. lemme know what you guys think?**

**and remember, reviews=love!!!**

**xox 3 kaylinxoxkisses 3 xox**


	2. Insanity

**sooo . . . i just wanted to take this time to say i don't own anything. i always forget to do that! sorry. i also wanted to thank everyone that's commented on or faved my two other fix, almost lovers and congratulations. if you haven't read, please do!!**

Chapter 2 Insanity

"The next couple of months are kind of dull." Alice told me. "She goes down to La Push almost everyday and watches Jake fix the bikes." I listened quietly as Alice summed up Bella's life for me. "When he's done, they go riding a few times. Bella gets hurt, but for some reason she likes it. She says she hears your voice."

I gave my sister a questioning glance.

"I know." Alice said. "They kept that up until Bella met Alexa."

"Alexa?" I asked.

"She's the newst student as Forks High School. She was kicked out of her old school for drugs. Bella had a couple classes with her and they started talking." Alice looked upset over this. I knew she was found of Bella. I remember she was so excited when Bella came ino my life. How happy she was to have another sister. Alice opened the journal to a new page and read:

"_I spent the night at Alexa's last night. We snuck out of her house and went to a rave. It was so loud and there had to be a hundred people at least, but I had fun. I met this guy. I think his name was Tony? Maybe Tobey? I was so messed up I can't remember - "_

"What does that mean?!" I exploded. Alice held up a finger and continued.

_"I remember he had these white pills. I asked what they were for and he told me, "Life". Yeah, I know how that feels. So I asked him for some. I felt so good I asked him what they were and Alexa told me I didn't need to worry about it. That she would give me them whenever I wanted." _Alice stopped.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I know this is hard for you." When I didn't say anything she kept reading.

_"I remember having a couple beers and a few shots of something clear. Vodka? The next thing I knew, I was on Alexa's bathroom floor. I spent the rest of the day in there throwing up. I felt so horrible."_

Alice flipped through the pages and read:

_"Jake keeps calling me but I never get a chance to call him. Alexa's on vacation with her family and I'm all out of my pills. I don't know wat to do. I NEED them!!"_

Then on the next page:

_"Jacob came to my house but I told him he couldn't come in. He didn't like that. He practically broke down the front door! I ran upstairs and slammed my door shut but he burst through that one too. I scrambled to shut my desk drawer but Jake still saw all the bottles. He asked me if I was doing drugs. I acted like he wasn't there. The he walked over to my desk and pulled the drawer open. He asked me why I had so many bottles. I still didn't answer him. Then he found the razor blade. Jacob stormed over to me and asked what it was for. 'Look at me!' he screamed and I did. He asked if I was cutting myself and when I looked away, he pushed up my the sleeves of my shirt. I guess that was enough for him. He threatened to tell Charlie everything but I begged him not to. Then Jake asked about my hair and why I never came to La Push anymore. He blamed it all on Alexa and said that I had changed. He said that if I didn't come to see him at least once a week to make sure I was okay he would tell Charlie. What choice did I have?"_

Then:

_"Visiting Jacob seems more like a chore every week. He constantly looks through my purse until I stopped bringing it and at my arms. And he never stops asking me questions!_

_Sometimes we talk about __him__. Jake thinks that's what caused this. Well, I've never felt like his before. I try to smile. I try, but it shows._

_Jake doesn't understand why I reacted this way. But everyone reacts to situations dfferently. He says anyone could find the same white pills. That doesn't mean they have to take them. I tried to tell him that it takes my pain away, the pills, the cutting. And that Alexa doesn't bring back anything that bothers me. I've tried to quit the pills but everytime I walk away I'm hit with a false sense of accomplishment. I know I'll just beg Alexa for more. I feel like without them, everyone can see all my flaws. But when I'm high, I could care less. About my flaws, about Jake, about him._

_I guess Jake is right. It is __his__ fault. He promised he would never leave. He broke that promise. So why should I keep mine? That I won't do anything stupid while he's gone? Sometimes I feel like I deserve this. Like I was stupid for hanging around mythical creatures, much less falling in love with one._

_Everytime I take the blade to my skin, I get this amazing release. And then the next thing I know, I'm on the ceiling staring down at myself. It takes the pain away._

_That must sound crazy but I already knew I was. When he left he took my sanity with him."_

**ah, the end of another chapter.**

**reviews=love!!!**

**xox 3 kaylinxoxkisses 3 xox**


	3. Hate

**yay chapter 3!! once again. i own nothing sob but oh well. enjoy!!!**

Chapter 3 Hate

Alice looked up from Bella's journa;.

**That's the last enty.**

I ran my fingers through my hair. Alic's eyes grew wide and suddenly she was looking at me but not seeing me. The vision only lasted a moment and as soon as it started, Alice snapped back to reality.

"What do we do now?" I asked.

"We wait." She said. "She'll wake up when the sun sets."

It was the longest time I had ever waited. Though it was only a matter of hours, it seemed like the clock was ticking in slow motion. Alice went downstairs to the kitchen. She thought Bella might be hungry when she woke up. Alice thought it would be best if I made her something to eat, since I had learned how to make a few simple meals for Bella's benefit, but I refused to leave her side. I verbally walked Alice through making grilled cheese, I just hoped that Bella would think it was edible.

I stared out the tiny window in Bella's room all day. I watched as the clouds and the sun moved across the sky. Normally I appreciated nature but now I felt as though it was mocking me.

Alice came into the room with a dozen grilled cheese sandwhiches.

"Well I hope she hasn't eaten in a long time." I said.

**Speaking of which, when was the last time you hunted?**

Truthfully, it had been days. When I smelled Bella for the first time in a long time, I was overwhelmed with the burning ache in the back of my throat. The monster inside me lashed out, but I resisted my animalistic insticts.

"I'm fine, Alice. I've sat here beside her without harming her once."

"It must be really difficult for you." My sister said, lying her small hand ontop of mine.

"When I first picked up her scent, I'll admit I was in a state of shock. A mini sensory overload." I said with half a smile on my face.

**I wasn't talking about her blood. This is a different Bella. She filled with so much hate. So much anger. She may not be willing to forgive you. And we need to get her away from those pills and Alexa.**

I knew she would never forgive me. She was so broken. Leaving was a mistake. If I hadn't come sooner . . .

**We're lucky this isn't her deathbed.**

"You think I don't know that?!" I stood up and paced around her room. "I'm sorry, Alice. I shouldn't be taking this out on you."

**Edward. **"Don't do this to yourself."

"No, Alice. She's right. This is all of my fault. I made her hate me. Worse. I made her hate herself. I thought she deserved better than this, than me. I thought she would just adjust and move on. Live her life without me. But she didn't and she can't."

I heard a soft moan.

"Bella!" Alice and I both said at the same time. She seemed to struggle opening her eyes.

"Jake?" Bella tried to get off her bed, but I went over to her.

"Don't move," I told her sweetly. "You don't want to hurt yourself." Bella looked over to Alice and then at me and started crying.

"Bella?" Alice asked pulling her into her arms.

"Sweetheart, what's wrong?" I asked her.

"No!" She screamed. "No, you're not real. What did Alexa give me, estacy? Oh God! I overdosed, that's it. Oh God, Charlie's going to hate this!." She was fighting against Alice's arms.

"Bella, we're real. Sweetie, it's me, Alice. And Edward."

"Bella, we saved you. Please don't be upset." Bella looked frantically around her room.

"I'm supposed to be at Jacob's." She exclaimed.

"I know. You're at home in your room now. Edward found you in an alley in La Push. Did you make it to Jacob's?" Alice asked her.

"I don't know! I took my pills and I went to see Jake. Then I just . . . blacked out. And now I'm here."

"Bella, why would you do something so reckless?!" I exploded. "You could have killed someone. You could have killed yourself!"

"You broke your promise too!" She yelled back at me. "And who said that's not what I was trying to do?" She looked away from me then.

"Bella, what are you saying?" She didn't even bat an eye. "Bella." Nothing. "Isabella Marie Swan please don't tell me you would try to kill yourself!" She whipped her head around to look at me.

"It's not the first time I've tried it." She said. Bella pulled up her sleeve. I saw the dozens of lines go up her arm. Some deeper than others. "I've been in hell since you left. I didn't have anything to live for!" The tears welled up in her eyes.

"Bella, I'm sorry." I placed her in my lap and held her close. "So, so sorry." I repeated these words to her over and over. Bella fought against me.

"Edward, let me go!" She screamed at me. I turned her around to look at me.

"Never." I said before pulling her into a kiss. I knew Alice was there but I could care less. I needed to show Bella that I was here. I would never leave her or hurt her ever again. Bella tried to pull away from me and I let her.

"You can't do that!"

"Bella, be reasonable."

"No, Edward. This isn't fair. You can't just leave me and come back and think a kiss will fix everything. That's sick!"

"I'm here, Bella. I will always be here."

"Yeah, where have I heard that before?"

**hope you guys like this so far. i think i may write a sequal to this in jacob's point of view . . . lemme know what you think**

**reviews=love**

**xox 3 kaylinxoxkisses 3 xox**


	4. Love

**wow. i only had this up for a day and sooooooooo many ppl reviewed and faved it!! i'm so excited i cannot begin to tell you.**

**i would like to thank: **heavenlcs, .ShonaM., Edward's Eternal, .cullen, the Writing Critic, and maximumRide14. **if i missed anyone i am so sorry!!**

**so this is the fourth chapter. i'm almost done. and sorry mrs. charlotte. cullen, bella's not getting a new bf. don't be too mad! enjoy!!**

Chapter 4 Love

Alice and I had to leave before Charlie came home, but I told bella I would be back when he has sleeping.

When I returned, Bella was on her bed listening to an iPod. That was new. When she saw me, she took the ear pieces out and layed the electronic down beside her.

"Hi," she said not looking at me.

"Hello," I said smiling.

"So are you moving back?" Bella crossed her arms but finally looked at me.

"Carlisle was making arrangements to get his old job back." I said sitting in the rocking chair in the corner of Bella's room. I recalled sitting here and watching Bella sleep. How much it fascinated me.

"You can sit here." Bella said, patting the matress beside her. I walked over and sat down beside her.

"I've done a lot of thinking while you were gone." She said. "And I wanted to know what you were thinking." When I didn't say anything, Bella fidled her thumbs in her lap. "So, what are you thinking?" This made me laugh. "What?"

"Forgive me. It's just that normally I would be the one asking you that question." I told her. "I am thinking about you. How much I missed you. How much you've changed. How sorry I am. How much I despise myself." I looked at her. "What about you?"

"I'm thinking about you. That I've missed you, too, a lot. How I'm sorry for this mess. And that I want to forgive you, but I'm scared."

I pulled her chin up to make her meet my gaze. "How can I possibly make you see that I will never leave you, ever again? I've seen what I've done to you, Bella and I never want to hurt you in that way again."

"I know," Bella sighed. "I know that in my heart, but my head keeps telling me different." I smiled, suddenly having an idea form in my head.

"Do I have to tamper with your mind?" I asked her.

"I don't understand." Bella said confused.

"Oh, but you will." I flashed her a smile before placing my icy lips on hers. I pulled away in seconds, my intention on a peck. "Now, do you still think I am going to leave?"

"Yes," Bella said. I kissed her again.

"And now?"

"A little." She replied. I pulled Bella into my lap, my arms making a steel cage around her, holding her closely by the waist. I kissed her, soft at first, and then I opened my mouth, to which she responded by slightly opening hers. She let her tongue dart out of her mouth and connect with mine. Bella tangled her small fingers in my hair as we both stiffled a moan. I remembered she would need to breath, so I pulled away from Bella's mouth, letting her come up for air. I couldn't resist kissing her neck, jaw line, chin, cheeks, her forehead, and finally planting a small peck on her lips.

"I don't even remember what we were fighting about." Bella said. I chuckled and lightly tossled her hair.

"Silly Bella." I said laughing.

That night, I held my Bella in my arms. I watched her sleep and listened to her giggle and say my name in her sleep. That whole night, I was content. It was the first time, in a long time, that I was actually happy. My ancient heart was whole again. My angel was back in my life and I would never let her go.

**so, what do you guys think? please let me know. sigh, only one more chapter left. it's gonna be really short. **

**remember . . . . reviews=love so leave a comment**

**xox 3 kaylinxoxkisses 3 xox **


	5. Angel

**cry. This is the last chapter of pain. Plz lemme know what you guys think. I love hearing from you!! Thanks again to everyone that read, reviewed, or faved me or "Pain" or any of my other fix. Btw, you should check those out, "Almost Lovers" and "Congratulatons". **

**Anyways, here it is.**

Chapter 5 Angel

_This is the last time I will write in this journal. I'll probably end up burning it. It's been months since the Cullens moved back to Forks. Charlie wasn't too happy to see Edward but he eventually got over it. We're constantly together and I couldn't be happier._

_He and Alice helped me with the pills and cutting. My scars are almost gone and Edward couldn't be happier. _

_Alexa and don't talk anymore. I feel bad but I realize she wasn't good for me. I know I could have died and that scares me. I feel horrible for putting Edward, Alice, and Jake through all of this._

_Jake and I made up.. He was so happy to see me. He and Edward try to get along for my sake, but I know there's tension between them. Jake still blames Edward for everything and Edward feels that Jake could have done more to help me. _

_They're both wrong. This is all my fault. I made my decisions and I'm living with them. _

_it took some time, but now I trust Edward. I know now that he had never meant to hurt me and had my best interest at heart. He just thought my life would be better without him. He thought I needed to be without him. But he didn't realized that I can't do that. Edward is my life._

_I love him so much and I thank God every day that he was there to save me. My angel._

**So. There it is. I really hope you guys liked it. I may do a sequal to this, let me know what you think of that! Thanks so much again to everyone that r&r.**

**remember . . . . reviews=love so leave a comment**

**xox 3 kaylinxoxkisses 3 xox **


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